How do you measure success?

Yesterday I had tea with a friend who had recently had the occasion to chat with Kevin O’Leary of Dragon’s Den and Shark Tank. These are the advice bits he offered her: if you can’t articulate what your business is about in 90 seconds no one will invest in you; successful people have to be prepared to spend 18 hour days for some duration; spend your time not your money, and finally, know when to get out.

T queried me on the last point. How do you know when it’s time to call it a day; when you’ve spent enough money – when do you decide your great idea just isn’t going to fly? Of course, I had to confess that I was probably the wrong person to ask about that. I still believe in my business vision that I first diagrammed on a flip chart in my (then) web designers boardroom. That was five years ago. It showed overlapping circles (vesicas) depicting autonomous businesses collaborating to the greater good of all. The foundation of that business exists. It is the LightBeam wheel of websites. It echos a little – okay it echos a lot – because it’s waiting for the people to populate it. It’s innovative and a slightly different way to use the internet – and the internet itself is an ever changing mystery to many. More on this later.

After my afternoon meeting with T, I was off to meet my longtime friend J for dinner. As we walked around the block arm in arm over icy patches she asked about my sons – were they off on their European tour with the band this summer? Hmmm she was a little out of date. I had to explain that those plans had taken a side rail because the savvy and beautiful ‘Ms A’ promoter and manager par excellence just took a powder in the middle of the afternoon one day on the way to a meeting to discuss the imminent recording date. “Oh.” J said, “ Do you think they should do something else?” My immediate response was no! These young men are good musicians and they have a unique sound. When I envision them – I see them pressing against the membrane just about to break through.

Now – before you conclude that an innovator mother with unrealistic goals has spawned sons with unrealistic rock star aspirations, let me rush in and say this: I’m not stupid – and just like everyone else I get dragged down by ‘reality’. So on the way home – I was blue. Doubt was hanging about me like a pall. Fear comes rushing in because I am the sole supporter of my family and that scares me at times. And then – can self recrimination be far behind when I think that most parents would have ‘made’ their sons be realistic and get jobs – or go back to school?

So I stopped on my way out of town as I passed my Sweetheart’s door for a quick pick-me-up hug. “Everything is going to be okay – isn’t it?” I muffled into his shoulder. S held me at arm’s length, looked into my eyes and said, “Of course! And even if it isn’t okay – it will be okay.” Now it might seem that he was patronizing me and sending me off with a “Now. Now. There. There”, but the effect of his words ripped away the mask of ‘reality’ and I was once again looking at the meaning of life.

These reality shows are a true barometer of our times. They are a reflection of the distortion that we call life. In a way I wonder if they are the backlash of the times – most recent – when schools, parents, and sports leagues all decided that competition was somehow unfair. That failure discriminated unfairly, that success must be equilateral or shared. These shows are based on humiliation of the many and the aggrandizing of the one. The ‘one’ has to fit a very specific criteria and the ‘win’ is not based on excellence but in compliance.

It is the archetype of the worst father who beats or disinherits his child if they do not comply with the family way of excellence. It is social coercion at its most nihilistic. Fit the mold – or die in humiliation!

I’d be bleeding all over the stage if I presented my innovative business model on Dragon’s Den. My heart would be pounding to the clock ticking ninety seconds. BEEEEEEP! Times up – you’re fired! Oh – wrong show. My business is about holistic living. Body, mind and spirit and these dudes are so out of harmony with the natural and pleasurable aspects of life that they probably wouldn’t get my concept if I drew a thirty second Venn diagram. Its helpful to be able to sum up your business in a few phrases, but Life as reflected in our business is more than a few sound bites. And here’s why:

Our real business is not what we do for a living. It’s not what we exchange for money. Our real business is our own life – in all its complexity, troubles and pleasures. Our family, our work, our engagement with the world we live in is the playing field where we discover who we are. Our talents, our strengths, our weaknesses, our desires and our dreams and most of all our contribution to the evolution of this world. We are not here just to put in time as people – a general population – but as contributing energy to the direction the world will take – ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

When we focus too much on success for success’s sake we rush to results before we look to effects. When I was in the construction industry, it became evident through the nature of building how the culture of a region or country viewed their responsibility or accountability to the future. Our business was architectural entranceways. The banks of doors – including revolving or security doors for banks, hotels and condominiums. They were grand – you never get a second chance to make a first impression – in polished bronze or mirror stainless steel. Here’s a thumbnail of different perspectives- in very general terms:

The west coast – Canada and US had a ‘disposable’ perspective. They would not invest in a high quality because the architectural landscape – trends – changed so often that buildings would go up with a lifespan in mind. The emphasis was on glamour, flash and price. Some of these buildings are notorious – high profile with paper thin walls. Big hype for quick sales – high class, low fees – only to find in the fullness of time that the shortcuts taken in construction are in short order catching up with owners in gargantuan fee increases.

New York, Chicago, Toronto, London, cities of banks and investors chose elegant and stately designs and considered the front entrance as a cost percentage of the overall value of the property. The architect has a greater influence on quality products and consistency of durability than on the coasts where design built is more initial profit oriented.

Interestingly, in Asia companies we dealt with spoke in terms of generations (that’s about people). One company was over five hundred years old! The responsibility to the future was a guiding principle. Every aspect of a building was efficient, beautiful and resilient – constructed to last and be a tribute to those who created it.

When we create our own life – what are we placing in value? What is our unique contribution? What is our legacy. How are we accountable and how do we leave the world a better place?

My sons are musicians – that is what they are. So many ‘advise’ them and me that you really can’t make it in the music business – it’s a long shot to be a star. Maybe, some suggest, they should go on Canadian Idol. Now this is for sure – you can’t make it in the music business if you don’t make music your business. Since the disappearance of Ms A, the band has discovered that they really don’t need her. They have developed a business plan, designed the logo, nearly done the MySpace page – written an album worth of original music, are mastering a demo tape, created a ‘merch’ list – the T shirts are already in and selling like mad. In fact my youngest can claim – been there, done that – got the tat! The thing is the world of music – and everything else has become so sophisticated that an artist is expected to have the complete package that in the past a record label would provide.

In my mind, this change is for the better. My sons have strengthened in experience and competence in ways that a ‘real’ education couldn’t begin to offer. Secondly, they have by necessity and disappointment become knowledgeable and savvy developing traits that will stand them in strength in a business that is notorious for manipulation and exploitation. They have learned the value of creativity – in their case, music – to heal from loss and grief. They have, as brothers, come to ways of collaborating to use the best of each one’s talents – musically and business wise. They work with the two other musician members with a maturity, discipline and diplomacy that would do well in the largest corporation

So, as a mother, I am incredibly proud of their work, their accomplishments and the fact that they haven’t ‘made it’ yet is almost inconsequential to the point of who they have become and the stability they have gained that will help them ride the crazy world of excesses everyone loves to hate in that world!

As to me – my lack of ’success’ as reflected in my present bank account and credit rating – doesn’t begin to disclose my own path of fine tuning, learning, growing, resiliency, and courage. Yes, I can say that about myself – even though I was taught not to take too much credit for myself. These past five years included the illness and death of my husband, the embezzlement and fraud by my web design company, the erosion of all my capital, and realization that the world was not quite ready for what I offered.

My belief in the LightBeam vision kept me sane through the devastating grief of losing my husband and business partner and the dad of our two, still young, boys who adored him. In desperation I began to take courses on websites and internet marketing – just so I couldn’t be duped by my nefarious web designers. What started out as the fury and fear of walking away from tens of thousands of dollars in web design that never worked turned into my own competence and understanding of open source software platforms; out sourcing; internet marketing and the nature of the internet in general. Collaboration in the highest terms – by strangers for strangers! For free! Awesome!

Dreams are the vision of all that is possible. Without dreams there are no realities. Dreams hold us steady while all that is in the chaos of creation sorts itself. Like an epic voyage my adventure in fulfilling my vision has led me on a circuitous route to the centre of my own being. Opportunities are unfolding that I dreamed of years ago that are now coming forth because all the elements for real success had to evolve until the timing was right. And that time is now.

Eighteen hour days? Oh yeahhh. But when you are doing what you love they are not eighteen hour days of slugging or slavery when you work for someone else’s dream. They are inspired and inspiring days that often run into nights. Dreams can wake you up to most amazing solutions to a nagging problem. Often a solution that defies logic – and often a solution that you could never get from someone else’s opinion.

Spend you time not your money. I had to nearly exhaust my capital before I figured out that self proclaimed experts were rarely that. Especially in the internet world which changes in every heart beat. Being a trusting nature and deferring to an authority leads an entrepreneur on the downhill spiral of “an innocent and his money are soon parted!” Take the time to learn what your business connects to and relies on so that you can spot a scammer!

How do I measure success? I am happy, confident in my own abilities and have something to make the world a brighter place. I have gained knowledge and wisdom. When will I be rich? I am enriched in self-love and self-respect – can I ever be poor? Even if it’s not okay (by whatever standards I might set) it will be okay – it will be more of my own beautiful life unfolding! When do you give up on yourself? Never!

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How a simple reversal of perspective will give you the life you desire.

But first I have to share a word with you that is so significant to our health and happiness it is the only key to our personal joy and to the flourishing of the Earth and the Universe she rests in. So mystical is this word that it frightens us and wakes us in the night and causes war among brothers. So magical a word that when we say it with understanding we are liberated from all fears – forever. This word represents a gift of creation so powerful that it rivals the miracle of our birth. And that word is DEATH.

Birth and death are the parenthesis of our life on earth. And what transpires within those brackets – into the world and out – is our life. Life can be short and meaningful as a Japanese Haiku or fraught with the drama of a Greek Tragedy in multiple acts. Because we fear death more than revere it, we live our lives as if we might somehow avoid it altogether. Illness, accident or old age – the vehicles of death always seem to take us by surprise – as some sort of mistake in judgement or wrong turn. If only she hadn’t smoked, if only he had made a full stop, if only she had taken her vitamins. Death is, at once, the ultimate certainty and the ultimate mystery.

The fact is that as surely as you are reading this you were born and as surely as you were born you will die – sooner or later. The journey to that final door marked death is your true life purpose. Forget ‘What is my life purpose?’ You are living it even as you search. Forget, ‘When I have my own apartment, car, million, Cessna I’ll be okay. Forget, ‘When my children are grown, when I have enough money, when I retire, I will paint, write, garden. Replace the word ‘then’ with the word ‘now’. Take a deep breath. Exhale out loud and listen to that exhalation. That is you breathing. That is you alive.

When the stork dropped you, he dropped you with a sack of goodies. Rudimentary supplies to get you started. Girl, boy, black, white yellow. The soul of a poet, the mind of a mathematician. It is an intriguing mix of potentialities. Your mother’s eyes, your father’s walk – immediate stuff. But you also have a blend of their blend. Going back just two hundred years or ten generations to 1811, one thousand and twenty four people had to have intimate encounters for you to be here now. If you multiply 1,024 by the number of genes – both latent and dominant then you have a staggering complexity of possibilities in your makeup. To follow your line back to the beginning of time – well, you have to think in terms of stars and galaxies to grasp the limitless possibilities.

But that’s not all! Your baby sack got dropped into a garden, concrete jungle or war zone. And your family either thought it was a good thing or not a good thing that you were born and they cried, smiled or cussed the day you were born. Now imagine rising up at lightening speed above your crib until you are amongst the stars looking down and see all the living beings on the planet – nearly 7 billion – and how their thoughts and actions tilt the world mood and outcome like a teeter totter between Nirvana and Armageddon. Now you have a sense – kinda – of the potential influence of heredity and environment.

But heredity and environment is only what is in your bag. It is not YOU. Your body is the physical draping around the spark of Life that is your pure potential. The oak within the acorn. Your brain is the recorder and processor of information and your conscious mind – awareness – is your connection with all of Life. Consciousness is not a connection in the sense of a thread or umbilical attachment, but rather like cupping your hands under the water of the ocean. Your body is the physical envelope if you will, but the whole of the creative Life force fills you and surrounds you and ebbs and flows. It is in you and all around you at the same time. It is in you and every other person, mineral, plant or planet.

Your life began with a choice and is continually micro directed by every subsequent choice. The first choice was not the obvious one of ‘him’ and ‘her’ or all siblings would be identical. The first choice that defined you was this sperm and that egg. Now depending on how quickly you individuated and made your own conscious choices the sooner you took charge and shaped life according to your deepest desires. You might have been allowed to pair orange and purple as matched socks when you were little or your mother still picked out your shirt and tie for your first job interview. Whichever the case, your heart’s desires were either expressed or repressed.

If you have had a difficult life or are enduring a patch you don’t like, you might complain that you didn’t choose to be born. No person in their ‘right mind’ would choose to be born to a drug addict mother or some other unfortunate circumstance, but your mind didn’t do the choosing. In its desire for evolution and creation, Life chose to be born through you. The difference between an animal or rock and a human being is that the creative Life force called Nature continues to make the choices. You, the human being, on the other hand, have awareness that you are conscious and so have the will to move with and express Nature through your choices and actions or override and repress Nature.

So what does that have to do with your mixed bag of heredity and environment and your eventual death? And what does this all have to do with health and happiness? Well, only this – everything. It really may seem with all the infinite possibilities in your makeup, that finding a thread and being solely responsible for creating your life tapestry might seem too complex. There are just too many outside influences and responsibilities and on top of all that the world is in chaos. What can you really do? You can’t change the world chaos any more than you can hold back the tides or stop the Earth in its orbit. And if you believed you could – how would you manage those choices?

It is actually sublimely simple: What do you desire? The energy of Life starts within and works outward. The oak is already in the acorn. When the acorn falls on the forest floor and takes root, all its energetic focus is on being what it is. An Oak. It reaches into the soil for nourishment and water. It reaches skyward toward the life giving light of the sun. It takes up the space in the earth, in the forest, in the air to fulfill its wholeness. Lichen on the rock beside it, or a tiny plant of wintergreen sprouting waxy leaves and red berries fulfills the ’self’ same mandate of all that it can be. There is no competition or desire to be other than it is. Each has its own space and influence on the whole of its environment.

As human beings, our ‘oak’ of Self – actualized is within us and requires our conscious participation – our free will. We choose how we root into the soil of our physical environment. How we create and share in the abundance that surrounds us in our community, and ultimately how we influence the world we live in. As humans we are born with basic propensities within a environmental context. Infinite possibilities. How we play it out is entirely up to us. Pleasure or pain – joy or sorrow. Only in following the inner wisdom of our heart’s true desires will we know how to ride either/or on the buoyancy of good life well lived!

When we lay our head down on the pillow for the last time, not even then knowing exactly when we will exhale for the last time, what will be running through our mind as important? The thing is: as we look at the infinite odds that conspired in our unique blend of genes to become us – the microcosm – and then look up to the night sky and imagine those trillions of stars and galaxies – the macrocosm – we glimpse the actual significance of our personal life role in the scheme of the whole of the universe for all time. The only thing that matters is what our life meant to us.

Do you love? Are you loved? Are you fulfilled? If your name is called tomorrow – are you ready to let go? Up until that last breath will you have been all that you might be – and know the blessing that you are?

Please follow me on twitter for upcoming posts on my experience with various therapies and other thoughts on Life.

If you want to enjoy optimum health and wellness – please join LightBeam Community.

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How to reclaim your heart.

(Part three of three)

The dragon must die but to vanquish it, it must be lured from the cave into the light. All this drama of heroes, damsels, dragons, heart, and self, courage, and fear is the stuff our our daily life on Earth. Applying the archetypes only facilitates in understanding the active energy of these forces as they motivate or limit us from within, and as they attract external circumstances and relationships to perpetuate and feed the momentum of self deception – the dragon.

We can all relate to the interplay of these forces in our personal evolution. Whether we are born onto the sunny coast of California or the broken streets of Beirut, our personal story unfolds and undulates in response to internal and external influences. We are reactive or proactive and as we strengthen within the forces without are mitigated. So the dragon we slay is the force of limitation on our personal evolution. And what exactly are we limiting? What is our personal evolution? And how does that impact on the world we live in?

My own learning began with a quest. It was a quest to avoid pain and suffering and to live without fear. I wasn’t even thinking in terms of happiness, creativity and personal fulfillment in those days. I just wanted to come up to a base line. The actual circumstances are immaterial, as the relevance lies only in the cumulative affect on my psyche and the ultimate claim for release. I did not want to be another statistic in my family of depression or suicide or penitent to a moralistic belief. And I certainly didn’t want that kind of influence on the children I was bringing into this turbulent world.

Consequently, I have been a passionate student of all ways of healing. Spiritual, energetic, nutritional, physical and intellectual. My own search for answers and the subsequent trip of healing, through tragedy, betrayal and disillusionment into lightness, comprehension, and reverence is the foundation of my vision of LightBeam and all aspects of my life work and contribution.

I was a seeker for many years until I began to study the ancient teachings of Patanjali and the Bhagavad Gita. They were very obscure to me and my Western mind had great trouble in interpreting the texts. However, my most beloved teacher, Gita, assured us that if we followed the lessons in our own time and did not rush, understanding would come. She also made a very portentous observation. She said, “Just be aware that when you study sacred texts, your life will draw in the circumstances to illustrate the lessons.”

That has been absolutely true and the way – though rough – has been resplendent with growing awareness for the subtle and sublime Life force that imbues every creature, rock and star in this wide universe. The more my understanding expanded, the less division there was in this way or that way. This doctrine or that dogma. Life began to express itself in a sense of extreme individuality and uniqueness – no two snowflakes alike – and at the same time, the amazing unity and interdependence of all living systems – molecules or galaxies. I found confidence in my own voice humming my tune and delight in the collective voice of all who wished to sing along with me.

I began to use the mantra, “I create the world I want to live in and it is populated with people I love and respect.” This is indeed unfolding and that world is pretty small but it is vibrant and full of colour, laughter, friendship, creativity and accomplishment. I’ve lost my way a few times, but as I described in The Dragon Dies and Dragon’s Teeth, those missteps become more quickly evident and corrected to bring me back to peace and confidence.

In this world of instant everything, we tend to believe that we can read a book, take a course, visualize or will a state into existence. We can most certainly be transformed by any of these. But the act of personal evolution is a lifetime of awakenings and glimpses of all that we can be. We then experience this awareness on all levels – body, mind, emotion, soul and then anchor it into our consciousness. It is in this deep integration of healing on all levels that we truly effect the the world we live in.

Our life purpose is to fulfill our own soul destiny. In this way we are truly co-contributors of Life’s evolution. We are the very cells of Life’s creative body. As we take in information, process it and express it in our daily lives, we construct a world of deeper understanding, interdependence and interconnectedness. We are manifestations of the Nature and the natural order of Life as surely as the trees and galaxies. The difference – as far as we know at this moment in time, is that we are conscious and can exert our conscious will over our actions and processes.

While the natural world expands and evolves, ebbs and flows, rises and falls on an ever undulating course, we conscious beings effect the expanding consciousness of the world. The collective emotion; the evolution of happiness over despair, peace over war, care over abuse. It is not difficult to see that the world is in chaos. There is starvation, torture, war, decimation, pollution, greed, anguish, suffering. The dragon of our collective unconsciousness is wreaking havoc. It’s is breathing poison into our water, ash into our air, starving our children, and singeing all our necks with the terror of uncertainty.

There is so much that people should be doing, could be doing to shift all this. Global prayer vigils, exhortations to God, blogs by the trillions, political and social activism. But all this activity – passive and aggressive – misses the whole point. The dragon grows in strength and power, not because we are focussing our attention and giving it energy, but because the dragon in our outer world is only the distraction for the dragon within us. The little dragon that would be safe stays safe because we ignore it to focus on the wrongs of the outer world. As long as we stay focussed on the evil, greedy conniving ‘bastards’ of the – name it – banks, pharmaceutical companies, governments, fishing fleets, fur traders, de foresters, munitions producers, we are neatly caught in the net of self delusion.

In turn, the collective consciousness is displayed in the world around us. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t like to live somewhere beautiful – a beach, the mountains, surrounded by love, and enjoying creative peace and serenity. We look at the world and wonder who made this mess? Clearly it is not our choice but here it is. The dragon of war, pollution, genocide, disease and poverty feeds on our collective delusion, our collective collusion to blame others, and it gets fat on our collective doubt and uncertainty.

In the acorn is the entire imprint for the oak. Given the basic conditions of clean water, fresh air, and nutrients from the Earth, the oak will flourish. Within the acorn is all the oak can potentially achieve. Drought and lightning may alter its shape, but within it remains all it might be. Likewise within us is all that we might be. If we are to be a musician, we will hear or see music and be drawn to its expression. Being human, our expression of our complete potential is not only effected by environment conditions, but also by conditions of consciousness.

As Life’s expression of conscious evolution, we are given the added ingredient of will. We don’t automatically evolve to the highest expression of our personal self. We must choose to fulfill our highest potential. Enter the dragon. The dragon is all that is not true about us. Before it outgrows the boundaries of our soul and leaps into the arena of the collective conscious, it feeds and gets powerful on self doubt. And how are we relieved of self doubt? By calling it out and looking it right in the eye. When we have the courage to face our fears – and sometimes we need help – we will see that they are not based on fact, but on false beliefs which have grown out of control and choke our potential for a creative, healthy and prosperous life.

Peace and love are our natural state of being, they are the stuff of our heart’s desire. They are always there – within. Sometimes deep in the cave – behind the fearsome dragon. Call the dragon out, see the lies in its eyes of what you believe about yourself that is not true and then raise the daggers of all your talents, gifts, and goodness of who you really are and slay it now. Each time the voice within you breathes the fire of doubt, shame, guilt, unworthiness face it down with another truth. Keep doing it until the dragon is silent. Then – puff! The dragon becomes magical and when it rises – and it will – it will be your ally – your reminder of who you really are!

When your heart is finally free from bondage, peace and love will fill you to overflowing and then the pulse of the world will change at last.

Please follow me on twitter for upcoming posts on my experience with various therapies and other thoughts on Life.

If you want to enjoy optimum health and wellness – please join LightBeam Community.

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Do you feel the hot breath of self doubt on your neck?

(Part Two of Three)

I am as passionate about the nature of business as I am about the nature of the body and spirit. For me, a card carrying entrepreneur and risk taker, I devour books on business trends and strategies with equal pleasure as I do ancient spiritual teachings. I am as fascinated in how to develop a new market as I am how to reveal the inner spark of creativity. Actually its all the same to me.

Over the years my business has taken me into boardrooms with very powerful and wealthy corporate leaders. I have prepared investor memoranda, participated in corporate mergers, and facilitated strategic plans for integrating acquired divisions into a new corporate whole. I have witnessed a lot about business and learned more about human nature. One thing in particular.

And what was that? Everyone. Let me say that again. Everyone has a dragon breathing down their neck. I am using the example of business because we in the West have a notion that the rich and powerful are somehow also imminently confident and self assured. That as long as someone is at the top of the food chain, they have no social higher authority. No fear. No dragon.

Problems, challenges and disappointments aren’t dragons. In the dragon’s teeth, we are firmly gripped in the fear of exposure of our unworthiness, inferiority, humiliation, shame, and guilt. None of us is any different. It is just the degree of our public display as we grapple with our own beasts of self doubt.

Often people in the public eye – entertainment, business, politics actively seek out power, wealth and influence as an armour against the dragon. We may even believe that the dragon is ‘out there’ – the shareholders, the CEO, the constituents – the ones we have to assuage. The ones we have to stand up to with bravado and fearlessness. Never let them see the whites of your eyes, no fear, no weakness. We furiously brick up a fortress of protection – walls high and thick – fame, wealth, reputation, status, authority, even deception and coercion – only to find that – oops, the dragon is inside.

We may not know it until we are about to go on stage – take the podium or meet the new chairman. The dragon snorts and the fire is in our solar plexus. Our place of will and self esteem. The fire spreads down into our gut and reaches up to set our heart drumming and sears our mind. In that instant – before we repeat the affirmation, take the pill, shoot the Stoly’s, or otherwise submerge the dragon, we are caught aware of our own incompleteness. But – so what?

Dragons wreak havoc. When they are awakened and come out of the cave, snorting fire and swinging their spiked tail, destruction and incineration decimates the landscape. Just look at the recent banking debacle. Who hasn’t been effected by that melee of greed and avarice. Dragons on a feeding frenzy. But how can dragons be on the inside and the outside at the same time?

Dragons start out small. A little piece of misinformation in the psyche. Something your mother said when she was tired and you felt unloved. Something the kids said to you because you were different and you felt humiliation. Your teacher made an example of you in front of the class and you felt angry and powerless at the same time. Your father shouted and hit your brother and you knew fear. Someone you trusted touched you when you said no and you felt shame. Emotions. Potent currents of electrical and chemical surges through the body lodging in the cells and recorded in the brain. And like tiny magnets of energy they attract similar emotions. The event is over. Come and gone. Maybe not even witnessed by another. But its effect remains and gathers strength.

Shame, fear, humiliation, anger, powerlessness, unworthiness. Tiny dragons. They wake you up in the night. They begin to feed on your happiness. When ‘feel good’ things happen, they eat them up and ask for more. More food, more things, more attention, more control. Even dragons get quiet when they feed. So we keep feeding them, trying to keep them quiet and under control. But they are just getting stronger and bigger and they burst the seams of your psyche and create a life outside of you as well. Dragons poke you in your ‘wants’ and drive you forward. “A bigger house and I’ll be quiet.” “A higher position and I’ll be quiet.” “A faster car and I’ll be quiet.” “A younger lover and I’ll be quiet.”

But of course, dragons are too clever to let you see them first thing in the morning, scales, smoking nostrils and all. No, dragons outside of you act through your wife, your boss, your children, the media. Here is the secret to reveal the dragon. Anyone who you feel you need to please is the voice of the dragon. Material avarice is not the only language of dragons. Dragons roar equally loudly through the morally superior, the pious, the self deprecating, the intellectual.

The caveat is that the voice of the dragon is not the actual dragon. It is the magnification of the dragon. Its projection on the big screen. The real dragon is still safe, growing teeth and scales deep inside your soul. It will remain safe while you are distracted with slaying the dragon of your outer world. While it grows unimpeded within, it will never – ever – be vanquished without. Ultimately the dragon will lead you to the fullest expression of the seed that spawned it – humiliation, loss of love, shame, ruin. Just like the parasite it is, the dragon will feed on the host until the death of both.

To lead an epic life – worthy of heroes and heroines – is to slay the dragon once and for all time. Once this predator of happiness, self worth, pleasure, accomplishment, creativity is gone and no longer a fearsome ruler, you can enjoy all that is truly meaningful to you. Your light – the elements that make you uniquely you will be revered and loved. The truth that you speak and the love that you share will be all you need to attract a life you truly desire. A life that allows you to share your wisdom, creativity, and knowledge – your joy and happiness. A life that may be expressed in simplicity or in grandeur. You may be a monk or a king. A sculptor or mother. A CEO or a postal courier. You might build a school in Malawi or a corporation in Silcone Valley. But you will do it from the heart.

For it is the heart that is imprisoned in the cave of the beast. A heart pulsing in full expression of love, light and creativity dissolves the dragon. The damsel in distress is the frail self – our own innocent heart – beautiful, sensitive, loveable, – the spark of the Life itself, the promise of all that we can be.

How do I know this? Because yesterday the beast showed its face to me. In outer appearances I have it all. A beautiful home, my own business, regard amongst my peers, a loving relationship, two amazing, creative sons, and a deep spiritual life. But for all that I have accomplished and all that I enjoy, my default when I was tired or stressed was to anxiety, fear and self doubt. There are no actual facts supporting that. So where was it coming from? And what is the gain in maintaining it? There is no conscious gain. The dragon lives on unconscious acts. As soon as you begin to make conscious choices the dragon is threatened. As light floods in the dragon fades.

Once the dragon is released from the heart we truly do live happily ever after.

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Can you name the dragon that feeds on your health and happiness?

Today was a bad day. It didn’t start out that way but a series of events – innocuous, small, some positive, some negative, started tripping me up and the next thing I knew I was on a spiral of dark feelings. I didn’t want to be alone with myself and I didn’t want to be with anyone – especially the one who loved me. I thought of calling a friend to see if she’d like to go to a show last minute, but decided she just might and then I would either be pretending I wasn’t bleak or else I would be dumping out a load of useless whining about not being good enough!

Gawd!! I grabbed my coat, shoved my phone and wallet in an inside pocket and headed for the door. My son asked me where I was going and I called over my shoulder that I was going to a show.

“Alone?!” he called. “You can’t go to a show alone! I’ll go with you if you want”

“Uh unh.” I was not fit company – even for myself – and I was going to plug into a big screen comedy and shove popcorn in my mouth. I’ve never actually been to a show by myself and I was a little surprised to find myself alone in the theatre on a Wednesday night – sipping water and jammin’ popcorn. I was early even for the trailers and sat listening to Johnny Mathis. I had a vague notion that life was easier when that song came out. “You’re gonna miss my lovin’” But that was no more true than the ‘truths’ my inner beast was dishing me since mid afternoon.

I couldn’t grab hold of my usual assurances and just concluded for the evening that it was so much easier to be negative than positive. That the chances of things turning out badly in spite of positive affirmations was so much more real than things turning out well. That somehow good outcomes took more energy – more discipline – than bad. I felt I just had to ride out this night and a good sleep preceded by a glass of wine would find me back to rights and my sunny little self in the morning.

My phone battery had gone dead – natch – and after the film I called my Sweetheart from the pay phone. I was sure he would find my disappearance odd. He is in the city and I was in the netherworld half way between the city and my home. S answered the phone and offered to meet me for coffee. Consistent with my mood I halfheartedly tried to deflect his offer – “Are you sure you want to…?” What a little girl! Anyway, I was glad he overlooked my lameness and said he was on his way.

Times like this are not alien to me as I am sure they are not for most people from time to time. But I do know that when one is consciously reaching for a higher level of awareness and connection with spirit, the frequency might lessen but the intensity strengthens. Through my writing lately I have been dropping into a deeper place of remembering and integration of past events and their purpose and significance on a soul level. Clearing. Lightening. Ridding myself of what does not serve me.

I have also been studying iridology and herbs and discussing the physical plane of heredity, environment, emotion and spirit. In fact the piece I had been working on all morning had me thinking about the many layers we might use to interpret our state of balance in body, mind, and spirit. We are like phyllo pastries of information if we only knew how to read it. Iridology is one way, reflexology another, and of course all the Chinese medicines read the body like a finely charted map.

Because Iridology looks at the eye (ultra simply) as a pupil, a ring depicting the colon, and the iris which informationally spokes out to parts of the body at different minutes around the clock. The colon is the base line for health. If the body doesn’t efficiently process nutrients and eliminate all waste, stuff builds up, accumulates in corners and crevices and becomes a breeding ground for all sorts of nasties.

Betsy our teacher, showed photos in a book of the shape of ‘waste’ as it moves through the bowel. This was all very scientific and the photos showed ‘way more information than I cared for – but it’s good to know what we are looking for when we do an herbal detox. No sense being alarmed. However….

Once the body is in optimum health and not a fit environment for parasitic, mucous or bacterial flourishing these organisms move out – as it were. Betsy showed us a photo and explained what people sometimes evacuated. Of course we were incredulous. Betsy went on to say that all manner of worms, parasites and odd fellows thrive and grow in a toxic environment and sap the host body of nutrients, and energy until the depletion leads to weakened systems inviting other biological predators. Candida for instance thrives on sugar and utilizes it for its own aggressive growth throughout the body that it sets in motion unshakable cravings for sugar. And cancer loves toxins. Any one who has done a cleanse will know also that things get worse before they get better. The nasties fight for survival and you might have skin eruptions, headaches and all manner of symptoms. Many abandon the cleanse mistakenly thinking that it is doing them harm – or they just don’t have the stamina for the fight for control. Health vs. Illness.

The soul also has such beasts. As we take in the information of life from the moment of birth, we ingest nutrients or toxins. We take in information that serves us and are left with emotional byproducts. We are pre-judgement at the outset, and by the time we may be questioning an external authority, often the parasite of negativity – in shame or unworthiness – has lodged safely in the dark of the mind and the soul. It feeds on negative emotions and grows stronger as it goes unchallenged. In fact we set up circumstances to recreate the scene or script as it was laid out unconsciously because it is what we become familiar with. Just as a beaten child will often choose his abusive parent over a kind stranger, we are obscenely comforted by what we know – even if it hurts us. It is familiar and unchallenged and somehow speaks to us in a voice that sounds true.

Negativity generally cautions us against failure, blame, embarrassment. It sounds so protective – a warning voice. It does this by telling us to be quiet, don’t speak out because you might be wrong. Don’t love because you might be hurt. Don’t trust because you might be betrayed. Don’t be different because you might look stupid. Negativity keeps you safe. It also keeps you prisoner – and worse, it will eventually bring to bear all the circumstances it kept you ’safe’ from. Negativity tells you to be like this person or that person because they are famous, successful, rich, beautiful – ergo ’safe’. Of course you can never be just like anyone else so your negative voice will jeer at you for failing.

Once you begin to detox through therapy or practice – psychologically or spiritually, you get lighter. The beast is not so easily integrated into your personality. It becomes more obvious when it lashes out. As you gain in strength in your own light of authenticity, the beast begins to writhe in its death throes. It even tricks you by staying really quiet until you begin to tip the scale into autonomy and authentic expression. With this comes confidence and esteem and self value. The dragon hates that. It can’t compete with true pleasure. It cannot thrive in love any more than cancer can in an alkaline host. Cancer needs an acidic body. The beast needs fear and shame. Like a rat cornered, the beast fights to the end.

Unless we slay the dragon, it will go into remission and find some cranny of negativity to sustain it until it gains in strength. It will move us subtly into wrong decisions that if we are not watchful and aware will trap us in a cycle of disappointment or victimization. When we default to living unconsciously – reactive rather than proactive, the dragon rises up and the familiar voice will chide, “I told you so.”

When I met S for hot chocolate after the movie, he said that my words on the phone had frightened him. I had said them ‘unconsciously’ but of course, it was the dragon speaking. They were words of fear and failure at the very time when I am being most successful in my heart’s desires. It was the indication that the dragon was raising its ugly head in final assault and just like cancer – if given quarter would annihilate its very host. I realized even as I took myself off to a show alone I avoided the one who with love would hold the light for me. The dragon was in control.

So tonight I slay the dragon. I – who carry spiders outside – will slay the dragon. It’s not what ‘nice’ girls do, but I’m done with pain. I choose pleasure.

As I write I reflect on the past week. Three days ago I said to my son in the morning, “You know, I am finally living the life I always dreamed of.” It was that statement that sent the beast of negativity and unworthiness into stealth and final ambush today. Now I get it. In a way the dragon coming out so ferociously in daylight is good. It proves that I and ‘all that I might be’ – is alive and well and the dragon is a myth of my own creation.

A myth is a belief system that forms our life. Either this one will steal my joy, pleasure, success and health or I will destroy it once and for all time. My truths are daggers and my love is fire. The dragon dies!

Please follow me on twitter for upcoming posts on my experience with various therapies and other thoughts on Life.

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How to take the good of Life’s lessons and dispose of the rest.

Yes, I’ve done this too – eaten the artichoke that is. I was nineteen at the time and in a very posh restaurant in Montreal. I was in university on the East coast and very attached to my boyfriend in Toronto. He was my first love and very handsome – like a young Michael Caine – actually Michael Caine was young then too. I would send soppy letters of longing home and he would respond with a carton of cigs and Ziggy Stardust album closing with the line: “Wish you were there”

I finally took his advice and that is when the College Bowl was on TV and he happened to glimpse me in the stands wrapped in a big red plaid blanket with a hunk of a mountain man from New Hampshire! Who knew? Anyway true to the nature of many men, what looked like it might go missing became more valuable and desired. Along came his letter with the ticket to Montreal and a heartfelt plea –
“Wish you were here.” And, like many young women, I finally got what I asked for and it wasn’t what I wanted.

Anyway, Montreal is Montreal and I thought it would make a nice change for him to pitch me for a bit and I could ditch him. So off I went on my post romantic adventure. I only remember two things: His very satisfying suffering that I was no longer ‘his’ and the feel of a slice of artichoke in my mouth – leaves, hairy stuff, prickles and all. I instantly knew I had made a gaff – or how could artichokes be so popular? But there I was being all haughty and cool with my new found power of resistance and I had a mouthful of sharp cardboard- with hairs! It wasn’t a moment to laugh off my own silliness – a very useful trait I have since developed. I can’t honestly remember how I discretely disposed of the mess in my mouth – but I do recall the lesson: Swallow the good stuff and spit out the rest.

All too often we bite off something in a job, relationship or other commitment and it doesn’t feel so good. But this much I will guarantee – you are being called to learn something about yourself. If you are cheated – you can learn discernment. If you are betrayed you can learn forgiveness. If you have been humiliated, you can learn courage. Strengthening character is like any muscle. You have to hit the weights until you get strong.

Fitness clubs have the greatest income from unused memberships. It is not human nature to seek out the difficult and discipline ourselves. We only get ‘religion’ when we’ve gone too far. The dress doesn’t fit and the party is next week or we have a heart attack. Life in it’s natural yearning and push to higher evolution, provides the impetus for we humans who would avoid discomfort. We could develop strength, courage, peace, happiness, health and vitality by choice – many do – but more don’t. Life crooks its finger and beckon to us. We, in response say, “Who me?” and look over our shoulder. “Yes,” Life says, “it is time to learn courage – you will need it later”, and sends a bully to kick sand in your face – a bully, a boss, a wife – someone for you to stand and face in your own goodness and power.

There is a lovely children’s story by Neale Donald Walsch, and I paraphrase like mad, but it goes something like this: A little soul had never been to Earth and was hearing stories about the delight of forgiveness.

“God! I want to learn forgiveness! Can I go? Pleeeease?”

“Okay” said God “but you can’t go alone”.

“I’ll go with Little Soul”, said L.S.’s best friend.

“Goody!” said L.S.

“But you know, Little Soul” said Best Friend, “When we get there I will have to do something to you for you to forgive. When I do – just remember who I am.”

I love this story because it so simply illustrates that people and circumstances in our lives help us to be all that we can be. We all are born with our unique and fabulous mix of talents, competencies and desires. Our potential is boundless and only diminished by the limitations of our own mind and our latent abilities, talents and strengths. So many whisperings by teachers, parents, and sadly our religions form our expectations long before we are of a discerning age. As we grow we grow according to the expectation of others. Sometimes – often – we are unaware of the underlying sabotaging script to our own powerful potential.

That is when Life’s steps in. List all the qualities of life you think are desirable. Happiness is top on my list because it means all else is in harmony. I don’t mean manic happiness as in “I laugh in the face of danger!” but a ‘default’ setting to happiness that ensures that I can ride the waves of joy and sorrow with equal grace. So what are the qualities you desire most to form your life experience? Courage? Creativity? Vitality? Peace? Bliss? Now think on the various circumstances and experiences of your life and see how each might have offered you an opportunity to achieve a measure of those values.

This is not the same as getting slugged in the head and deciding not to venture into that neighbourhood at night. It is not about taking the tough stuff on the chin and sighing in resignation saying, “I know there is a lesson in this for me.” It’s not Life saying “I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!” It is not about punishment in any way. It is all about freedom.

Freedom to be exactly who you are in all your creative abandon and joyful expression – as a dancer, an artist, a salesperson, a parent or a bank manager! If you are just exactly who you are – you can never get it wrong! No one can criticize or judge you because you are being a perfect expression of your whole potential. Sometimes we hang onto relationships, jobs or possessions because we have a misguided notion that to let go is failure. But sometimes those things have fulfilled their purpose in our lives and can be discarded.

The beginning of wisdom and self actualization is to get this. It helps you understand the notion that we are to see the divine in all people. Seeing the divine doesn’t mean a rapist isn’t a rapist – really. It means that there is a deeper soul agreement at work that is moving toward consciousness and evolution. If you balk at the example of rapist, just remember that Life as creator is eternal and infinite. There is no death – it only exists on the physical plane. There is nothing that can truly harm the soul. “No fire can burn it. No water can wet it.” Life will use even death to open our eyes to the beauty of our full human potential.

When you know this you will have a very different perspective of a difficult passage or person. What part of yourself is better for this experience? Which of the qualities that you most desire are closer to you now? Now the important part is to take the gem and drop the painful experience. You may never forget it, but it no longer has an emotional hook to trip you up. Continuing to be outraged by a painful betrayal is to stay heavily attached to something that has outlived it use to you. Keep the lesson of discernment, trust in your own intuition (that likely warned you but you didn’t listen), and the courage to call it like it is.

The emotions of the hairy prickly stuff of Life experience are: resentment, guilt, fear, anger, rage, depression, trepidation, self consciousness, doubt and anxiety. Do you really want to carry these heavy feelings with you of a day? Are these the energies that you want attracting circumstances and people into your life? It’s not tough to let these lower energies go. The way is simple: you can’t focus on two things at the same time. Be conscious of your thoughts and choose to enjoy the gem. It’s valuable and you earned it! Then you can enjoy the lovely, fleshy, nutty green joy of eating artichokes and toss the hairy bits and prickles in the compost heap – they’re just fertilizer!

Cheers!

Here is the wonderful book The Little Soul and the Sun by Neale Donald Walsch, the amazing author of Conversations With God. It’s a simple story with a power packed message. It is wisdom that we are never too old to learn. This beautiful and artistic book is a lovely way to reinforce your teaching of higher values with your little ones and to share skills to manage Life’s challenges. My children are grown up, but I keep beautiful books and toys for little visitors.

I heartily endorse this book and hope you will click through to Amazon and buy a copy. Any purchase you make through LightBeam helps endorse our work to expand awareness of holistic values and natural healing practices.

Thanks for your support!

Please follow me on twitter for upcoming posts on my experience with various therapies and other thoughts on Life.

If you want to enjoy optimum health and wellness – please join LightBeam Community.

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