Bad things and disappointments teach us well.

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A few of my friends were alarmed by the preamble of my last post.  All is well.  There will be turkey and gifts under the tree!  And wine – oh yeah!

I will write more about our internal guidance system  GPS – God’s Passion Sensors – in the new year as we all come fully equipped.  But for today I want to share a few thoughts and then a piece I wrote three years ago when I dropped fully into the ‘birthing’ process.

There are no such things as ‘bad’ events.  There are just varying degrees of discomfort and difficulty in our resistance and unwillingness to see.  There is never anything more clear than ‘what is’ because it is squarely in front of our noses – happening right now.

However, we often trowel on a patina of our own making of how we would ‘like’ it to be.  When we do that we leave the outcome of our experience in the hands of others.  Others may be manipulators and play you like a violin ( I’d like to think I’m a least a Stradivarius) or they are equally unconscious and then life proceeds in a chaotic haphazard way.

In the process of revealing our highest potential – all that we might be – we have to strengthen our strengths and let our weaknesses atrophy from lack of exercise.  When we fail or refuse to develop our strengths, Life, in its determination to evolve to a higher level will inevitably drop a circumstance on you to get your attention refocused.  That is what just happened to me.  As one of my chum’s said,  I stopped listening to my gut and went with my head – thinking I was doing the ‘right’ thing.  That is always a recipe for unfortunate events.

The tricky part about the GPS is that once you agree to rely on divine guidance you have to trust it implicitly and not question where it takes you.  My own experience if you just stay out of the way and follow your intuitive voice, the outcome is always far better than you might have ever imagined.  We think too small and we want guarantees of safety.  Let go!

In many of my posts, I refer to George’s death.  My son admonishes me because he says that people don’t want to hear sad things.  How can I not refer to the pivotal event of my life?  For me it was difficult in the extreme but one of the most beautiful love stories I know.  It is not to be dramatic but to illustrate the transformative power of Life experience.  So many of us are facing difficulty in the extreme whether it is health related, financial or relationships.  We absolutely can endure these times and glean the learning – in grace and loving support – if we only let go.

I’m off to Schomberg to pick up our lovely grain fed turkey.  One of the gifts from my sons is all the prep and meals of Christmas Day.  If I know them it will be a blast with Stevie Ray Vaughn setting the groove, champagne and orange juice – mimosa’s – for brunch and I will wait for the surprise of their special and creative spin on the feast!  This is Athan’s first official Christmas dinner with the family (just us) and I am filled with the gratitude for the love and the peace and the joy in my life!

In the following piece entitled The Veil you will see that I got my first glimpse of the Truth.  I received it when I was in abject exhaustion and finally stopped trying to direct life.  George passed just weeks after this.  It made all the difference to both of us and all who participated in those days.  But it was just that – a glimpse.   I continue to integrate that knowing.  Life continues to reinforce that opportunity through experience.

Blessings.

December 14, 2006

In the night with infinite grace, I slipped through the veil.  The peace is infinite.  The love is vast and endless.

I am now witness to my own ego’s struggles to exert its will over the divine.  My ‘righteous’ tears and gnashing of teeth were the cry of my ego as it beat against the walls of God’s fortress of Grace.

In the night I have invited Christ consciousness into my heart, my soul and my mind and the door was opened gently and I was welcomed into the peaceful kingdom.  It is the place of still waters and green pastures.  I look back over the past weeks where my willfulness has grown to a crescendo and see so many souls – friends who have taken a hand in guiding me to this door.  Of course, I resisted them, but am now receiving their comfort and support with deepest gratitude and awareness.

George, my kingly knight stands steadfast as all my dramas are played out against his soul and my little angry fists pound his chest in a tantrum.  How great is his soul’s love for me to show me my deepest fear, test my courage and finally become the very battlefield where my ego fights a raging war against itself until, in exhaustion, it lets down its guard and my soul whispers and is heard by Christ.  I have received and I am received.

Now I can truly return this magnitude of love illuminated by my beloved husband.  I can be present as he is now free and at peace to complete his soul’s absorption in God.  Now I can be present like our beloved dogs – in unconditional love.  Without expectation.  With joy and appreciation – and calm affection.  Now I can be present if George wishes to laugh and dance or if George wishes to weep.  For in this boundless love I can hold his hand while he is filled with the Holy Spirit and his path in made in effortlessness and peace to be received into the hands of God – whenever that moment will come.

My sons are God’s rods and staffs.  Every moment forever on will be a banquet of God’s bounty on Earth.  I am now in the house of the Lord.  I am safe and I am at peace.  Peace beyond all understanding.

Now that my heart is truly in the heart of God’s – at my own asking – and receiving – I look back on my ego antics with smiling indulgence seeing a child flailing on the ground in a tantrum – knowing now that it is in being still that the door opens in silent welcome.

I see the meaning of all events leading to this grace – and I see the meaninglessness of them as well.

I see that my greatest fear was fear itself.  I feared George’s fear and I feared my sons’ fear and of course, my own.

There is no fear here in the House of God.  There is peace and the hum of harmony.

I cannot even cry at its beauty or in my gratitude.  It is beyond emotion.  It is my rightful place and I am at home.

I am now witness that my soul exists in and beyond the body and ‘lives’ somewhere else altogether than on Earth.

Fear and pain only rise up from resistance to the soul’s freedom of movement through time and space.  Locking it into the ‘reality’ of an earthly body is painful.  Allowing the soul to move through its journey unfettered by expectation is effortless.

Our role between birth and death is to know God and to join in boundless and joyful co-creation.  It is not to be born, suffer and die.  How un-Godlike!  What an illusion!  Love can only create beauty.

There is no bargaining – only acceptance and love.

I have no need to teach, instruct, lead, or control.  I have only to be all that I can be.

Santosha.