The Black Hole of Mid Life Crisis

How dark is it inside a cow’s stomach?

When I was little we summered at the cottage – a log cabin on top of a granite rock. When we would come home late in the evening from some event we would feel our way up the sloping granite, one footfall at a time, following the bouncing beam of a flashlight.

The whip-poor-wills and crickets would be raucous and the stars sparkling overhead. I would cling to my dad’s hand and he would declare: “It’s as dark as the inside of a cow’s stomach!” I used to think that was a riot – but I don’t just now.

It’s a quarter to three in the morning. Son #2 is watching Chinatown – his dad’s all time favourite movie. Son #1 is making ginger and lemon tea to soothe his strep throat. Last night they auditioned for a record label and will soon fulfill their heart’s desire as musicians. They are on their way. In exactly one month from now we won’t be chatting in the kitchen in the middle of the night – we won’t be here at all. Where we will be has yet to be determined.

Who I will be is the question. All external descriptors will cease to be and I am left with the single question. The black hole is not a whole of despair – although it is a bit scarey – it is like the black of outer space – infinite possibility. I can go anywhere and be anything – but can I? Really? I am technically divested of active motherhood, home ownership. Widowed three years ago – I am nobody’s wife. I have my own business so I don’t belong to a company or have a title. Okay – that’s all that I am not – but what am I then?

At various workshops over the years groups have done the ‘Who are you’ exercise. Partnered off with a stranger you whisper in their ear, “Who are you?” and they are to answer the first thing that comes into mind – ‘mother’ for instance. You keep asking until there are no more ‘definitions’ and then the truth emerges – light, love. Whatever. And then you go home. Home. Home.

A week ago today, I said to my agent – and friend – ‘Let’s buy a house today.’ I knew the one and was eager to put in the offer. “Before you do”, said B, “I want to show you all that I can find with your criteria before you make the final decision.” He then showed me a house even better – all the check marks – property, privacy, nature, light, openness, spaciousness, beauty – and best of all in my own neighbourhood!  A new home!

I was ecstatic! I called Son #2 to come up right away. He loved it!  There was room if they wanted to come home for a visit – a great kitchen for them to create their wonderful meals. (It was our standing joke since we sold the house that they would have to come home once a month so that I would eat well.) The next day Son #1 and my sweetheart came to see it. They loved it too. It was declared – so ‘me’! Back home, we had coffee on the deck and started talking about the particulars of the offer. I could feel myself slipping into a very odd funk.

My oldest was giving me strange looks and finally asked for a private moment. Off we went to the laundry room. I was leaning against the washing machine and N was perched on a ubiquitous load of laundry.

“The house is everything you want. Time is running out. Just buy it,” he said. ”Yesterday you we so happy and now you are glum. What’s up?”

I told him the truth as I knew it – I didn’t know.

My sweetheart and I went to the boat for the long weekend and to gain some perspective. A vast lake and broad blue sky is great for that.  I felt overwhelmed by everyone’s well meaning advice, but felt each had their own personal connection to the outcome.  I phoned a good friend and, sitting on a bench overlooking the marina,  had a heart to heart.  ”Picture yourself waking up in the morning, three years from now,” advised, J.  ”What do you see out the window?”  I saw it – ocean – but how do I get there from here?  I felt better, but in the middle of the night- in the tiny V berth, I awoke with stomach wrenching anxiety and kneeled on the mattress with my head in my hands. I just couldn’t buy a house! My check list was based on where I had been – not where I was going! And where was that – exactly?  What ocean? I knew that if I was that conflicted the decision was clear and that was to rent until I stepped out of the old skin of mother, chatelaine, and into a sense of who I might become – when I was no longer defined by external circumstance. Accepting that uncertainty I slept.

In the morning I said to S that I thought I might be having a mid life crisis. “I think you absolutely should have one – before you make any big decisions.” We went sailing that evening and watched the blue of the sky merge with the blue of the lake as the sun lowered in the sky. I was as calm as the water – which is near perfect sailing weather for me – one knot – no heeling.

Fast forward to today; We’re looking for houses to rent. S is on the internet – Craig’s List. I called an agent and when she asked what area, I said anywhere west of Yonge Street to St. Catherines, Highway 9 in the north to the Lake in the south. I’d like property – but it could be in a subdivision – and I have two dogs. I explained I was in transition and just wanted a couple of months to get my bearings.  I was flexible – but particular.

It was a turbulent day. Each time S would make a suggestion – read an ad – I became more and more sullen. This guy didn’t know me at all. And if he didn’t – who did? And that was the rub. We drove around and looked at subdivisions and I got bitchy while he got irritated and then we went for gelato. Sitting on the patio with the breeze blowing rhapsodizing over mango, uva, lichi and letting the Friday night traffic get on, S asked me what was underlying my crankiness.

“Just the fact that you don’t know me at all, and what sort of place I’d be happy in,” I began.
“Oh, no. This is not about me”, he said, “It is about you.” (Will this guy let up?)
“You are not very clear on precisely where or what you do want, but when you see what you don’t want, some dark emotion comes up and you project the anger on me. What is that underlying emotion?”

What indeed? My chin trembled and giant hot tears began to cascade. I put on my sunglasses. Who is that behind the Ray Bans? Damned if I know – but she’s soggy. Here I am – as free to be and do whatever I desire as any time in my life – and I am terrified. I’m afraid of ‘leaving home’. If I go and fulfill my long stated desires – where will I come home to? If I set out on my dream – where will I bring my world weary body back to? Where is my bed, my room, my door to close and be quiet, my own safe place? Why did that scare me so much? What was my sense of safety hooked to? Is ‘home’ a place, a protective shell, or a state of being?

Last evening over tea, S read me the five stages of mid life crisis – Jung-esque. They are:

Accommodation – meeting other’s expectations – our roles, building the persona; (the realm  of the mind – unexamined thoughts – the Ego, in my perception)
Separation – rejecting that role defined self; (the realm of the Higher Self – calling – creating circumstance)
Liminality – a period of uncertainty – oh yeah; (the realm of Higher Self vs Ego – infinite possibility vs limitations of comfort – heart vs head)
Reintegration – working out ‘who I am’ and becoming comfortable with that identity,  (Spirit shines through and manifests in our Higher Self expressed)
Individuation – fully accepting all aspects of self – the desirable and the undesirable character traits. (Soul – neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’ but complete and ‘real’)

Our dreams and desires often keep us sane through the turbulence of an uncertain world. But what if we get what we wish for? What if our desires rush right up to us? Are we ready to embrace them or are they mere displacement – allowing us to live with our mind induced limitations? Our Higher Self – Christ Consciousness – God – is always leading us through our true heart’s desires to our fullest potential. And what is our fullest potential but complete freedom to be exactly who we are – and to love ourselves as we are?  Our Highest Self brings us face to face with our limitations.  Limitations that are of the mind – many times unexamined memories before a time of discernment of what is actually true – about us.  Our heart’s desires are of our personal truth and potential.  When we break through and are anchored in our own heart – haven’t we come home? And isn’t that the safest place to be?

I think I will broaden my search for a place of transition. How about: East to the South of France – or Greece (they do have trees), West to California, and South to Costa Rica – or beyond? Why not?

iRecommend:

Remedies – Dr. Bach’s Rescue Remedy, L-Theanine, Lavender Essential Oil
Therapies – Shiatsu, Registered Massage – any hands-on body work that moves emotion through body to release it.
Practice – Yoga, Meditation, Prayer

What relieves stress best  for you?