Does God Have a Sense of Humour?

You bet. We call it irony!

Part 2 of 3

Remember the bad dream I mentioned in my last post? Well the next day I got to live it! Isn’t that ironic? I figured the car fire was, in a way, a good thing. I’d call the insurance company – they would write off the car as being too old to warrant repair and I’d get something more reliable. As it happened, the deductible was ‘way more than the repair and the repair was ‘way more than I could afford right now. So just when I thought I was catching a break – I was actually getting another smack upside the head. What was that about? Well, one thing – it wasn’t about the smack – it was about the punch to the solar plexus that was about to knock the wind out of me!

When I called my insurance broker who I have dealt with for nearly 30 years, I was feeling the full force of the financial bind I was in. Not being able to sell my house over the past nearly two years has been a test of trust that the universe would unfold and somehow I wouldn’t get pinched in the creases. The best advisors, well meaning friends and I, myself, agree that I gotta go. But, I’m sure I’m not sharing anything of great incidence when I say that this economic meltdown has dominoes falling the size of Stonehenge! The fallout has us all affected.

My broker K, in Eeyore drawl, said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”

“Hunh?” I responded.

“Marilyn I told you years ago about XYZ who would give you a (huge) line of credit based on your equity and you didn’t do anything about it.”

“Hmm tell me again – I’m listening now.” I certainly don’t recall – but he might have told me just when my husband died and I was not making major banking decisions at that time – or actually thinking at all.

“I’ll have the agent call you and we’ll have this in place in no time.”

Wow the clouds parted and the sun shone and my phone rang. It was V the agent. He reminded me we spoke some time ago and I didn’t get back to him. Mmm – same ‘excuse’.

“Let me take down a little information and we’ll have this done today!”
He took all the info and then as he was finishing up said, “Of course you have a good credit rating…”

“Actually,” I said, “You’re going to have to pull a few rabbits from the hat on that one. I have a lousy credit rating because I have been in survival priority mode and late lots of times.”

How can I explain that there were sometimes weeks that I didn’t pick up mail – let alone open it. There is no entry on the form that says when the polestar of your whole life is extinguished your universe shifts and things take more than a little time to regain a cogent orbit. Anyway, he was as efficient in delivering the bad news as he was in promising the good. The irony? If all my affairs were in order and I didn’t actually need them – I would have gotten the green light!”

My ‘score’ was off by a few points and he said, “I wish you’d called me six months ago.”

“Yeah, well, I wish my husband didn’t die. But there you are. Stuff happens.” I couldn’t resist reinforcing the obvious.

Wow that was a quick ride between hope and despair.

Despair? Why despair? My worst case scenario is better than a lot of people’s best case dreams. And what does this have to do with happiness, fear, irony and a bad dream? Just this:

The path of enlightenment or spiritual mastery is the path of freedom – to the simple values of love, peace, and happiness. Love is the energy of all of creation. It is all there really is. Peace is the state of calm no matter what circumstances you experience. And happiness is the tiny pulse of joy that is sometimes glimpsed for short moments, but mostly suffocated in all the ‘stuff’ we think is more important.

I asked for this mastery and so I am learning it. Some years ago, just before Georgie died, I was studying the yoga sutras (sacred texts) and my beloved teacher told us, “Remember, when you begin this study, your life will offer the experiences to illustrate these lessons.” My growing up was full of many sudden and tragic losses and separations. My grandfather, my adored aunt, and dear ‘big’ brother all took their own life. My mother was hospitalized when I was three and she didn’t come home until I was nine – the same year my aunt died. So when George got sick, I was in abject terror.

I think I tried to bargain with God to exchange a million little fears for the one big one. How could I possibly lose the man who once said to me in a time of self doubt: “ I know you better than you know yourself and I will love you until you love yourself.” How could this mountain of protection crumble? But he did and my mastery over fear and the first steps of enlightenment (lightening up) began. So in the grander scheme of this – how does a credit rating really rate?

However, K, my agent, seemed to sense my dismay as an invitation to give his opinion of all I should have done that I didn’t do. He finished off by saying, “You’ll just have to sell the house and get a condo, pay your bills on time and learn to live a different life style!” I wondered what lifestyle he was referring to. It sounded like the one where I drink champagne in my spare time when I’m not buying shoes. It certainly wasn’t the one that I’m more familiar with. However, the truth notwithstanding, I could feel all the joy in my many accomplishments draining from my soul like blood from a wound. The irony that everyone seems to miss is that it was the banks’ abuse of credit that caused this collapse in the first place. And here nearly two years later we’re still feeling the seismic after effects.

The dramas we live and play out are never about what they are about. They are about unveiling our weaknesses and polishing our strengths. The marines say, ‘be the best that you can be.’ and to get there they put a cadet through rigorous training to winkle out any negatives that might come out at the wrong moment (they do that) and endanger the soldier and all who depend on him.

So yesterday I spent the day doing the things that I could do to solve my immediate problem. To do that I had to ask for help – which is to admit that I can’t do this by myself. It is a lesson in humility. There is a solution and it may be different than what I expect. A lesson in detachment.

This morning I woke up thinking about this writing and before I knew it my throat began to close up. My heart was pounding and I was racing toward a full blown panic attack! What was this about? I did three things before I was calm enough to see what these past days were for. One; I got hold of the runaway mustang of my mind racing to join the stampede of thoughts of doom. Second; I took some Dr. Bach’s Rescue Remedy (where would a new mother or bride on her wedding day be without it?) and third, I got down on my yoga mat and began my series of sun salutations. I took a moment longer and did some reflexology on my hands and feet to release the stress in my neck. And then began to bring some objectivity to this drama. Again, its never about what it seems to be about. It’s inevitably about our own mastery and to get caught in the drama is to miss the whole opportunity.

Yesterday I found myself recounting the family suicides to a friend who didn’t know. I wondered why I did that. Then I realized it was this month that my brother died. Our souls recall anniversaries so that we can heal residual emotions. Clearly this was all sparked by the fear of ‘losing’ my home. My fear is hooked into all the latent losses and grief that I somehow still hold and it is interfering with my happiness. My fear really had nothing to do with the actual experience with these two agents. The fear was in me and the experience drew it out into light. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to. But I had slipped into an unconscious choice to believe in fear.

In my dream I was willing to be shot in the heart rather than live with fear. It was a portent for another leap toward the love, peace and happiness I dearly desire in a simple and free life. The reason I created LightBeam in the first place was to offer people the means to solace and wellness in natural therapies and practices. I share my own experience in such detail (‘open my kimono’ as Georgie would say) to give others a light. I’ve witnessed the suffering and needless tragedy of hopelessness. Sadly we live in a world that thrives on hopelessness. To rise in spite of the naysayers and find happiness is an act of will and intent.

To get to that learning, however, I needed a catalyst and that was played by my insurance broker. The last words K said to me were, “You know what’s going to happen? You’re going to go into what they call financial depression – and then you’re going to get sick!” Sweet guy. He hung up saying, “Keep in touch.” At least he had the restraint not to say “Have a nice day.”