Can you name the dragon that feeds on your health and happiness?

Part 1 of 3

Today was a bad day. It didn’t start out that way but a series of events – innocuous, small, some positive, some negative, started tripping me up and the next thing I knew I was on a spiral of dark feelings. I didn’t want to be alone with myself and I didn’t want to be with anyone – especially the one who loved me. I thought of calling a friend to see if she’d like to go to a show last minute, but decided she just might and then I would either be pretending I wasn’t bleak or else I would be dumping out a load of useless whining about not being good enough!

Gawd!! I grabbed my coat, shoved my phone and wallet in an inside pocket and headed for the door. My son asked me where I was going and I called over my shoulder that I was going to a show.

“Alone?!” he called. “You can’t go to a show alone! I’ll go with you if you want”

“Uh unh.” I was not fit company – even for myself – and I was going to plug into a big screen comedy and shove popcorn in my mouth. I’ve never actually been to a show by myself and I was a little surprised to find myself alone in the theatre on a Wednesday night – sipping water and jammin’ popcorn. I was early even for the trailers and sat listening to Johnny Mathis. I had a vague notion that life was easier when that song came out. “You’re gonna miss my lovin’” But that was no more true than the ‘truths’ my inner beast was dishing me since mid afternoon.

I couldn’t grab hold of my usual assurances and just concluded for the evening that it was so much easier to be negative than positive. That the chances of things turning out badly in spite of positive affirmations was so much more real than things turning out well. That somehow good outcomes took more energy – more discipline – than bad. I felt I just had to ride out this night and a good sleep preceded by a glass of wine would find me back to rights and my sunny little self in the morning.

My phone battery had gone dead – natch – and after the film I called my Sweetheart from the pay phone. I was sure he would find my disappearance odd. He is in the city and I was in the netherworld half way between the city and my home. S answered the phone and offered to meet me for coffee. Consistent with my mood I halfheartedly tried to deflect his offer – “Are you sure you want to…?” What a little girl! Anyway, I was glad he overlooked my lameness and said he was on his way.

Times like this are not alien to me as I am sure they are not for most people from time to time. But I do know that when one is consciously reaching for a higher level of awareness and connection with spirit, the frequency might lessen but the intensity strengthens. Through my writing lately I have been dropping into a deeper place of remembering and integration of past events and their purpose and significance on a soul level. Clearing. Lightening. Ridding myself of what does not serve me.

I have also been studying iridology and herbs and discussing the physical plane of heredity, environment, emotion and spirit. In fact the piece I had been working on all morning had me thinking about the many layers we might use to interpret our state of balance in body, mind, and spirit. We are like phyllo pastries of information if we only knew how to read it. Iridology is one way, reflexology another, and of course all the Chinese medicines read the body like a finely charted map.

Because Iridology looks at the eye (ultra simply) as a pupil, a ring depicting the colon, and the iris which informationally spokes out to parts of the body at different minutes around the clock. The colon is the base line for health. If the body doesn’t efficiently process nutrients and eliminate all waste, stuff builds up, accumulates in corners and crevices and becomes a breeding ground for all sorts of nasties.

Betsy our teacher, showed photos in a book of the shape of ‘waste’ as it moves through the bowel. This was all very scientific and the photos showed ‘way more information than I cared for – but it’s good to know what we are looking for when we do an herbal detox. No sense being alarmed. However….

Once the body is in optimum health and not a fit environment for parasitic, mucous or bacterial flourishing these organisms move out – as it were. Betsy showed us a photo and explained what people sometimes evacuated. Of course we were incredulous. Betsy went on to say that all manner of worms, parasites and odd fellows thrive and grow in a toxic environment and sap the host body of nutrients, and energy until the depletion leads to weakened systems inviting other biological predators. Candida for instance thrives on sugar and utilizes it for its own aggressive growth throughout the body that it sets in motion unshakable cravings for sugar. And cancer loves toxins. Any one who has done a cleanse will know also that things get worse before they get better. The nasties fight for survival and you might have skin eruptions, headaches and all manner of symptoms. Many abandon the cleanse mistakenly thinking that it is doing them harm – or they just don’t have the stamina for the fight for control. Health vs. Illness.

The soul also has such beasts. As we take in the information of life from the moment of birth, we ingest nutrients or toxins. We take in information that serves us and are left with emotional byproducts. We are pre-judgement at the outset, and by the time we may be questioning an external authority, often the parasite of negativity – in shame or unworthiness – has lodged safely in the dark of the mind and the soul. It feeds on negative emotions and grows stronger as it goes unchallenged. In fact we set up circumstances to recreate the scene or script as it was laid out unconsciously because it is what we become familiar with. Just as a beaten child will often choose his abusive parent over a kind stranger, we are obscenely comforted by what we know – even if it hurts us. It is familiar and unchallenged and somehow speaks to us in a voice that sounds true.

Negativity generally cautions us against failure, blame, embarrassment. It sounds so protective – a warning voice. It does this by telling us to be quiet, don’t speak out because you might be wrong. Don’t love because you might be hurt. Don’t trust because you might be betrayed. Don’t be different because you might look stupid. Negativity keeps you safe. It also keeps you prisoner – and worse, it will eventually bring to bear all the circumstances it kept you ‘safe’ from. Negativity tells you to be like this person or that person because they are famous, successful, rich, beautiful – ergo ‘safe’. Of course you can never be just like anyone else so your negative voice will jeer at you for failing.

Once you begin to detox through therapy or practice – psychologically or spiritually, you get lighter. The beast is not so easily integrated into your personality. It becomes more obvious when it lashes out. As you gain in strength in your own light of authenticity, the beast begins to writhe in its death throes. It even tricks you by staying really quiet until you begin to tip the scale into autonomy and authentic expression. With this comes confidence and esteem and self value. The dragon hates that. It can’t compete with true pleasure. It cannot thrive in love any more than cancer can in an alkaline host. Cancer needs an acidic body. The beast needs fear and shame. Like a rat cornered, the beast fights to the end.

Unless we slay the dragon, it will go into remission and find some cranny of negativity to sustain it until it gains in strength. It will move us subtly into wrong decisions that if we are not watchful and aware will trap us in a cycle of disappointment or victimization. When we default to living unconsciously – reactive rather than proactive, the dragon rises up and the familiar voice will chide, “I told you so.”

When I met S for hot chocolate after the movie, he said that my words on the phone had frightened him. I had said them ‘unconsciously’ but of course, it was the dragon speaking. They were words of fear and failure at the very time when I am being most successful in my heart’s desires. It was the indication that the dragon was raising its ugly head in final assault and just like cancer – if given quarter would annihilate its very host. I realized even as I took myself off to a show alone I avoided the one who with love would hold the light for me. The dragon was in control.

So tonight I slay the dragon. I – who carry spiders outside – will slay the dragon. It’s not what ‘nice’ girls do, but I’m done with pain. I choose pleasure.

As I write I reflect on the past week. Three days ago I said to my son in the morning, “You know, I am finally living the life I always dreamed of.” It was that statement that sent the beast of negativity and unworthiness into stealth and final ambush today. Now I get it. In a way the dragon coming out so ferociously in daylight is good. It proves that I and ‘all that I might be’ – is alive and well and the dragon is a myth of my own creation.

A myth is a belief system that forms our life. Either this one will steal my joy, pleasure, success and health or I will destroy it once and for all time. My truths are daggers and my love is fire. The dragon dies!

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